Aspen Ideas Festival | bradeinsteincopycopy

The Aspen Ideas Festival

Through a deeply ludicrous series of events, my wife/writing partner Claire Einstein and I found ourselves writing a comedic variety show for a VIP Democratic Debate Watch Party and apparent Illuminati hootenanny at the Aspen Ideas Festival. The line-up included David Brooks, the guest list included numerous billionaires, and for some reason Karl Rove was there (who we quite happily dunked on). Claire handled hosting duties, as I furiously wrote debate bits behind the captains of industry slurping down oysters in the middle of the Rockies, as the sun literally—and figuratively—set on our fair nation. Here are some of our favorite highlights from that night:

"Welcome to the Aspen Ideas Festival.

This is a festival devoted to revolutionary ideas that can change the world for the better. No idea is too radical, anything is on the table.

...Except, of course, paying your fair share in taxes."

"It’s really exciting to be in this room. I’ve read about so many of you.

In the Panama Papers."

"We're here to transform the architecture of today into the oligarchitecture of the future."

"What people don't understand is that this room isn’t full of evil Illuminati, it’s full of the compassionate 1%. Yes, you have a lair inside a volcano but that’s because geothermal energy is renewable. Yes, you drop your enemies into pools of bloodthirsty sharks, but those sharks are rescues. Yes, you built a laser beam to blow up the moon, but you also used that laser beam to give free lasik eye surgery to orphans who lost their eyesight after that terrible moon explosion.

Along with their parents."

"Reading this program sounds like a horrifying game of Clue where the mystery is who killed the planet. 'It was ExxonMobil, in the Koch Building, with Money.'

You might as well have a talk called, "Sauron Presents: How to Rule Benevolently, in the Voldemort Room of the Karl Rove building.' Hi there, Karl! We originally wrote 'The Satan building,' but then we saw you would be here."